Appreciating the Self

There is no sincere path which does not include having my heart broken

Initially I went on a diet plan in 2013 to solve a problem, and along the way learned to appreciate myself, accept myself, and that became the path to self-love.

This appreciation, acceptance, and self-love was learned in the process of doing many things I did not want to do. There were plans and mistakes, there were challenging thoughts and emotions, there was beating myself up, and there was the ongoing awareness of a lot of faults, neuroses, habit patterns, and seemingly self-destructive behaviors along the way. That’s what makes this “hard”, that’s what makes all change hard.

Not only do we need to let go of behaviors which do not serve us, we also must accept and let go of the stories, perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and emotions which hold us back. Our perceptions, thoughts, feelings, and emotions about the process (and ourselves) are what drives successful change, or not. The plans are the plans, dime a dozen out there. There is a plan for everything, no secrets really exist. The rubber meets the road with the ability to execute the plan, and 99% of that is based on the quality of our minds and our hearts.

What I’ve found is there is a way out of the endless barrage of voices having conversations in my head. Who are all these people in my head anyway? Which one is actually me? They're all me apparently, different versions of me that obviously want different things. Only one of them is the Real Me though.

The Real Me that was born innocent, full of love and joy as a baby. The Real Me not corrupted by the world, not hurt yet, not taught the wrong things, not socialized or educated. Not the me who learned to talk so poorly to himself, or abuse himself, or hate on himself. Not the me who hesitates to be vulnerable or ask for help. That’s the voice of shame, unworthiness, and inadequacy - which is learned. I’ve never met a baby filled with shame, unworthiness, or inadequacy. They simply are themselves, fully human.

The Real Me always knows the right thing to do, it's not debatable, it always does. The Real Me always has my best interest in mind. The Real Me appreciates me, accepts me as I am, and thus loves me. And sometimes it loses the internal battle of thoughts, and that's ok. Every battle is an internal battle, there is no one forcing me to eat anything, ever. I always have a choice, I'm never the true victim.

It's always me who ignores the Real Me and goes down the wrong path. I stuff the Real Me in a closet and ignore it, to my own peril, and subsequently experience guilt and shame for going against what I really need and want. I know what to do, yet I don't do it. Why do I keep doing that?? Over and over... I get angry at myself, I try to discipline myself, I yell at myself (at least in my head)... and it works for a few days and I'm right back where I was, eating stuff I said I don't want to eat. Fascinating!

There is no sincere path which does not include having my heart broken, and on this path I break my own heart from time to time. I betray myself, I let myself down, I hurt myself. This is the story of humanity, I am not so different from anyone else struggling to appreciate and accept themselves, and love better.

It's not my fault, I'm human and imperfect. Assigning blame doesn’t solve the problem. I am the result of where I was born, to my parents, when I was, where I was, who I was around as a child, where I was schooled, friends, teachers, coaches, relatives, relationships, the influence of the immediate environment and the larger cultural environment. Most of us were just fed the food everyone ate, we had no control, no power. We followed along, unknowingly. How can we blame just ourselves when we consider the entirety of all the inputs of our lives to bring us to this moment? AND, It is my responsibility to get better and heal now, no one else can do that for me as an adult with freedom of choice.

It is my responsibility to love the Real Me better, regardless of if anyone else does or not. How do I open my mind and open my heart to listen to the Real Me the next time? It's a practice, and I was once a beginner. Maybe now I am average at it, some days are better than others. I’m making some progress though, and it’s noticeable. More choices are in alignment with my true needs now, many days go really well. The “bad days” aren’t that bad, my worst eating days are better than what I did before. That’s an important perspective to keep, perfect isn’t the goal, better than before is.

So when people ask the secret to my "success", it's self-appreciation, self-acceptance, self-love and connecting to the Real Me. That's the foundation. Sure, getting the carbs and protein and fats and veggies and salt were all important, and without learning to love myself better I would not have stuck with it. There is no diet hack, trick, system, behavior change process, or anything that will overcome shame, unworthiness, and inadequacy. We either are worth it at our core, or we have work to do on ourselves.

I'd never stick to a diet or even a lifestyle without a great enough purpose, so why not pick the ultimate purpose = Love. I'm left with only one question then -- "If I loved myself, what would I do?"

It's not always easy, it can be uncomfortable, painful, and feel extremely vulnerable - exposed. And in learning to walk this path I find peace when I listen to the Real Me, love the Real Me, give myself what I need, take care of myself - like a mother would a baby...with Forgiveness, Compassion, Empathy, Kindness, Acceptance. Unconditional Love.

When I look at myself with the same eyes I used to look at my children, with unconditional love when they were born, there I find joy, peace, serenity, contentment, and happiness. That is always available to me, when I choose to look for it - within myself.